I Finally Figured It Out

I had planned to write my 3rd assignment on my anxiety problem but instead of writing about something I hate, I decided to write about something I love. Here is an excerpt from my essay...

“It’s time to wake up! She’s going to come out of the hotel any second and you’re going to miss it! Let’s go,” I said as I burst into Kat’s room in the Lyons house. It was 5:15 in the morning and it was an extremely important day. Too important to waste away sleeping and Kat and Misty promised they would join me for this event two weeks ago when I had told them about it. I had gotten up at 4:45 and driven to their house to enjoy the day with them and they were still in bed. I called up the steps to Misty and she said she would be down soon but it wasn’t soon enough. They needed to be ready now or maybe I just needed to calm down a little.

Even though I had hardly slept the night before, I wasn’t even the slightest bit tired. It was Friday, April 29, 2011 and the Prince was getting married to a commoner. I could not contain my excitement. It was going to be a glorious day for England and a glorious day for me. I went into the living room and turned on CNN. Nothing too exciting was happening yet and the other girls were slowly making their way out of bed. I decided it was time to make the tea. I ran to the kitchen, heated up three cups of water and returned just as my friends had entered the living room.

“Hats on,” I said as I grabbed my large, black one with a giant, white flower on it. My hat is so big that it dips down in the front because it is too heavy to stay up on its own.  Misty, Kat, and I had bought “Royal Wedding” hats a few days before and it was finally time to wear them. We picked out the biggest, fanciest hats we could find. We needed to do this right. After all, this kind of thing doesn’t happen every day and we needed to make the most of it.Our 5:30 a.m. Royal Wedding party had started and the future princess was about to emerge and become part of the royal family. The girls and I placed our oversized, fancy hats on and we all sat down, sipping our tea, waiting for the moment when we would see the dress that the whole world was anticipating.

Everyone has that one thing that they can’t get enough of. For some it’s playing an instrument, traveling to a particular city, playing or watching a sport, drawing, painting, or even eating a certain type of food. Mine is a little different. It’s not a thing or a place. She’s a person and her name is Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.

Christmas

With the holidays approaching, all I can think about is all of the family time that will be soon to come. Every year there is a family reunion and I am forced to go. I hardly know any of my extended family and usually stick close to my mother, aunt, and brother. My cousins never have to go so why do I?

My mother is still afraid of what her mother thinks. That's why. I can't get a tattoo because, "Nana wouldn't like that." My mother needs to stop worrying about what her mother is going to think of her because of my actions. I need to live my life and have my own experiences. If I want to get a tattoo, I should. If I want to skip extended family time, I should be able to.

Last Christmas, my Nana found out that I had been smoking cigarettes and it was a huge ordeal. There was a lot of crying involved and I felt a little bad about it but it obviously didn't affect me too much. Hopefully this Christmas, there won't be any surprises like that. Hopefully, everything goes smoothly and we'll be able to enjoy the holiday without anyone getting upset because of someone else's actions.

She leaned over to me and said, "When did you start smoking?"
All I could do was stare blankly back at her. How did she find out? My mother doesn't even know.
"A couple of months ago," I finally replied.
She didn't say anything after that. She just looked at me with shame and disappointment that made me feel terrible. I could see the tears swelling in her eyes. She got up and walked away. I had a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach and became upset with myself for letting my Nana find out my secret. I thought she was going to tell my mom but she never did. About 20 minutes after she confronted me, she pulled me aside.
"I want you to quit," she told me.
"Ok, Nana. I will," I lied.

*I feel like a terrible person after writing this.

The Silver Heels

Standing on the porch of my aunt’s log cabin in the woods, looking at all the guests under the large white tent, watching my mother marry someone other than my father on the steps of the house, all I can think about is going home and crawling into my bed. This baby blue, knee length dress is so itchy and heavy in the late summer sun. These silver heels are beginning to hurt my feet and I want to slip out of them. I decide against the idea and I keep telling myself this will all be over soon enough. I want to be inside the air conditioning. Who's idea was it to get married outside anyway? There are bugs everywhere. One just flew up my nose.

It is a very hot September 11^th and this is the last place I want to be. The sun is beating down on my face, neck, and arms as I am holding a small bouquet of flowers, ready to sneeze at any moment from their smell. My new step-sister is standing next to me, her hair short after just having chemo to treatment for Hodgkin’s disease. My little brother is across from me, so small compared to my thirty something new step-brothers next to him. My calf begins to crap but I can’t do anything about it. I just keep smiling through it all because too many people are watching me. I feel obligated to look happy as the photographer is snapping pictures of the ceremony. My sad face would not look good in the pristine photo album to come. 

As I hear my mother say “I do,” I realize that this is really happening. The minister pronounces the new couple and the guests applaud and begin to blow bubbles. One bubble comes near me and I reach out and pop it. As my mother approaches me she lifts her arms to hug me. I hug her back and then she asks me a question. “Are you happy, Erin?” I nod and she smiles. I decide to take a walk to the edge of the yard. When I get there, I take my heels off and throw them as far as I can into the shaded woods.

After standing at the edge of the woods for what seems like forever, I hear music coming from the reception tent. It's time to change out of this dress into more comfortable clothes so that I can try to enjoy the party. I walk up the the cabin and see my brother on the porch swing. 

"Where are you shoes?" he asks.

"I threw them into the woods."

"Why? Mom is going to be mad."

"I know," I say, "But... It doesn't matter. I don''t want them anymore," I say.

Tornado

The wind was blowing extremely hard and I could hear it whistling in my windows. Mom said the house was sturdy because it was made of bricks so the wind wouldn't knock it over which was a good thing because I was starting to get worried. I had never heard wind this loud and I could hear the trees struggling to stay upright.

Suddenly, there were flashing lights shining through my curtains. I jumped out of my bed and ran to the window to see what was happening. It was a fire truck followed by a couple police cars and there were men standing on top of the truck with a megaphone. There were also 7 police officers walking with the truck. I heard them say through the megaphone, "Tornado spotted north of town. Get to your basements."

I opened the door to my room and found my mom folding laundry across the hall.
"Mommy, they said there's a tornado outside and we should go to the basement," I told her.
"Oh, I'm sure it's nothing. Remember what I told you? Our house is sturdy. Go back to bed."

I hesitated but ran back to my room and jumped under the covers. I could not fall asleep. There was a tornado outside and my mommy did not listen to the firemen. I sat up in my bed and every time the wind gusted I put the covers over my head, waiting for the roof to disappear.

Luckily, the roof stayed on and the tornado stayed a few blocks away. There was no damage to our property but my mother's cousin could not say the same. She was in her kitchen when the tornado leveled her home. Luckily, she was not hurt and her family was safe in the basement.

However, I still wonder about my parent's decision to keep us on the top floor of the house when there was a tornado ripping through the town and the surrounding area. If it would have taken a turn, it would have destroyed the street that I live on and taken my house with it. Who knows what would have happened to me, my brother, and my parents.

Thanksgiving(s)

"Are you excited for the wedding," Meg asked me as I sat down on the couch in the living room.
"Which weekend is that?" I asked.
"It's Saturday, Dec. 3rd, silly," she replied.
"I guess so. I have a lot of work to do for school so I might be thinking about that the whole time," I replied.
"That's too bad. I'm going to get so drunk at the reception," she said.
I thought to myself, "Well that won't be different from any other day of the week."
Football is on the TV and I'm sick of it after one play. How can people watch this? It's so boring. Oh look. Another commercial. Surprise, surprise. I'm so hungry. I hope dinner is ready soon. They told me it would be done at 2 so I showed up at 1:30. But knowing my family, we won't eat until 3:30. I should have stayed home longer. This day is going to take forever. Three places to go and this is only the first one.

Thanksgiving is rough when you have divorced parents. Every year, it's always the same. Three Thanksgivings packed into one day. We already had one the Sunday before at my mom's mom, but that isn't enough. First, my younger brother and I go to our dad's for dinner and spend time with him and my step-mom's family. We stay and chat while after dinner and have dessert but then it's on to my step-sister's house, 30 minutes away, to see my mother who insists that we see her on Thanksgiving. I've tried to tell her countless times that it's no different than any other day but she doesn't let up. We have to be there.

I did not feel like spending time with my step-father that day. And of course, just as I suspected, politics came up and there was a heated argument between him and me.
"This Occupy bull-shit needs to stop. Those lazy hippies need to go get jobs," he tells me.
"Come on, Mike. They are there because they can't find jobs don't you get it? Oh, that's right. You're retired and all you do is golf all day at the club. You know there are people out there way less fortunate than you," I tell him.
"Don't tell me you're one of them! Donna, you need to talk some sense into this girl. She has everything all screwed up."
"Can I leave yet, mom?" I ask, "Cale and I have to get to Maria's and it's getting late."
"I suppose. It was so lovely seeing you. Make sure you say goodbye to your sister and the kids, and Mike, too," she tells me.

When we finally got to Maria's, it was time to relax. She isn't family but she feels like it, only there are no fights and it's always fun. I wish I could spend my entire Thanksgiving at the Sandor/McDonnell house but that will never happen.

Baby Girl

*Names have been changed.

It was a cold January day when Angie showed up unexpectedly. I could tell there was something different about her but I couldn't put my finger on it.
"I need to tell you something. It's kind of important," Angie told me seriously.
"What is it? Are you ok?" I asked.
"I'm... pregnant," she said.
"Are you sure? Who's the father?" I asked.
"Definitely. And you don't know him. I told him already and he said he doesn't want anything to do with it. But I'm going to keep it," she said.

Right now, Angie is sitting 2 feet from me, holding her 24 day-old baby girl, Marie. Both of them have fallen asleep after a long day and I have to take a picture because they both look adorable.

Back in January when Angie told me she was expecting, I didn't know what to think. Out of all of the people I hang out with, Angie was the last person I thought would have a baby, especially this young. At only 19 years old, she is young to have had one. But today, I can see that she is a great mom. I can see that she loves her baby girl unconditionally and she would do anything for her. I know that she will give her everything she can so the little girl will grow up with all of the comforts that Angie didn't have.

The baby girl is beautiful. Sometimes when they're still pretty fresh, they aren't that great to look at (if their not your own). But this one is different. She is perfect in every way. She has the cutest little nose and a lot of dark brown hair. And she is very good. She hardly ever cries and if she does, it's only for a few minutes.

Angie is a lot different now than she was in January when she told me her news. She is much calmer and more relaxed and she is very happy. Sometimes I could tell that she waas unhappy back in high school but she turned everything around. She has a great job, a nice house, and now she has a beautiful baby girl to come home to everyday. Even though Angie has to raise this baby by herself, she has a lot of great friends and family to help her out. I'm looking forward to watching this little girl grow up and I'm happy to be part of her life.

One Million Dollars

Two years ago, when I was the luckiest person in the world, I found a bag that had a million dollars in it. I was walking around town with my two nieces in a stroller. We were on our way to the playground and I noticed something strange in a bush by the school. I pushed the stroller through the grass and right up to the bush. It was a large bag. I opened the bag and could not believe what I saw. Stacks of 100's. I didn't know what to do. A surge of anxiety and excitement flowed from my head through my entire body, through my finger tips and all the way down to my toes. I grabbed the bag and stuffed it under the stroller into the basket and I took the girls to the park as if nothing happened.

When I got home, I took the bag upstairs and shoved it under my bed before my mom could notice. After my nieces were picked up and I didn't have to watch them anymore, I went up to my room and locked the door, emptied the bag, and counted the money. It was exactly one million dollars. I knew I would have to keep this a secret for awhile. So, I left the money in the bag, under my bed for two years. I didn't spend a dime. Now, I'm ready to do something with it and I made a list of ideas.

First on the list is college. I am going to set aside all of the money I need so that my college loans can be paid off. Next, I am going to get my car fixed. Just typical stuff like new tires, oil change, new battery, and some new brakes. What I'm really looking forward to is the vacation that I just booked. Center city London for 3 weeks at the Goring Hotel in a Belgravia Suite. When I get home from London, I plan to buy a puppy. I've always wanted one. Her name will be Lulu Diamonds after a Saturday Night Live skit by Melissa McCarthy. I'd also buy some new clothes and shoes, particularly sneakers.

After the shopping spree, I think I'll put all of the money away in various accounts. I don't want to do anything crazy like quit my job or something like that. I want to have at least a small fortune to fall back on if I can't find a better job right after college. But for now... I'm off to London as soon as this semester is over!

Story That Starts in the Middle

"Its getting really hot. Should we go to the pool now?" I asked her as she splashed in the creek.
"I think that would be lovely," she replied.
I thought to myself again, for the thousandth time today, this can't be how a normal 3 year-old talks. She doesn't even come up to my waist and she speaks better than my 14 year-old brother.

It was a hot July day, but there was a nice breeze going. There weren't many people in the park but the pool was packed and we could here the people from where we were in the park.  I could see some of my friends from the bridge Paige and I were crossing. They were under the tree inside the pool's fence. It was getting really hot and it was time to go. I needed to be in the pool asap.

As we began to make out way through the remaining part of the park, she stopped walking and I didn't notice right away. I extended my hand hoping that her little one would find it. I felt nothing. I turned to see her and what I saw surprised me. She was about 30 yards away by a bench under the willow tree next to the creek.

"Paige!" I yelled. "What are you doing?"
"There's a caterpillar here! We are having a conversation!"

I just stood there for awhile and decided to join her. I walked over to the bench and sat down near the caterpillar.

"What's his name?" I asked.
"HER name is Rose. She doesn't like when people think she is a boy," Paige replied earnestly.
"Oh, my apologies Rose," I said. "How are you on this beautiful summer day?"

Paige put her ear to the caterpillar and smiled.

"She's quite well now that we're here to be her friends. She said she doesn't have many people to talk to," Paige explained. "She also said she wants to come home with me."

We didn't get to the pool that day. Instead, Paige and I spent two hours on the bench, under the willow tree, talking to Rose.

Essay #3

This third assignment is giving me a lot of problems. I know what I want to say but I'm not sure how I want to say it. Plus, there is a lot of pressure on me right now to get everything done. The end of the semester makes me crazy and my anxiety disorder doesn't help with that. By the way, that's what I'm trying to write about. The anxiety that plagues me everyday and eats away at my soul. I can't function normally, ever, because of it. My mind is constantly going to the what ifs or what do they think or am I doing something wrong, where do I go, and on and on and on...

I first started having a real problem with the anxiety when I went to high school. I was that kid in the corner with few friends. My experiences in middle school made me a loner and I was getting used to it. But every time I would see someone "better than me," I wouldn't be able to calm down. On the outside I was fine. Inside, it was like a carnival. The noise, the surroundings, it was too much to handle. There was so much going on and I didn't know how to deal with it so I kept to myself.

The anxiety got really bad the summer after I graduated high school. I was all set to go to East Stroudsburg University as an Elementary Education major. I went to orientation and had a great time. Then the end of July came and I lost it. It all started when my dorm assignment came in the mail. I looked up my future roommates on Facebook and started talking to them. But something didn't feel right.

The rest of the story is for the essay but as you know, I ended up at Kutztown and I'm a professional writing major. Therapy helped a lot but things are getting worse again and I think I might have to go back. We'll see how the next two weeks go and what next semester has in store for me...

For now, I need to figure out how to make this essay about anxiety work without having an anxiety attack.

MyKU

MyKU is excellent! The new software has made my life so much easier and I can't even remember what Online Student Services was like. The modernized look of MYKU has also enhanced my view about this type of software. I have had no problems using MyKU and I am often shocked when I hear that my fellow students do not know how to properly use it.

Kutztown University offered very important, non-mandatory, informative sessions that taught students how to use the software. I attended those sessions, unlike most of my peers, and found them to be very useful. While at those sessions, I noticed that I was one of the only students to attend. So, it does not surprise me that there are so many students at Kutztown who have no idea what their doing when trying to accomplish tasks on MyKU.

Online Student Services, the old program used at Kutztown, was dated and I'm glad to be rid of it. This whole thing reminds me of the constant changes to Facebook. Everyone bitches about the changes and how they don't know know to do things. But, everyone gets over it and eventually figures everything out.

However, the switch from Online Student Services to MyKU has one major difference. There were informative sessions advertised numerous times through email that most students chose to ignore. If you don't like the new system or don't understand it, the only person you can blame is yourself.

I'm so over all of the emails that give baby steps to those who, "had better things to do." I'm sure the people sending those emails are even more frustrated than I am. Each student only had to take 50 minutes out of their day to go to a session and learn about the new system that the university would be implementing.

Public Higher Education

Education is a right, not a privilege. The fact that students in the United States have to pay ridiculous amounts of money to further their education is absurd. Societies cannot grow and succeed without higher education and that it the main reason it should be free. Many countries, such as Finland and Norway, have free higher education to all citizens.

With the prices that students, myself included, many young people choose not to attend college. Fortunately for me, my mother is paying it all for me but without her, who knows what I would be doing right now. Many students do not have that luxury and therefore avoid college all together because they do not want to be buried in debt. It is hard enough to get a job after college. Students should not have the burden of thousands of dollars in debt hanging over their heads. I always hear, "Stay in school. You'll make a better salary after you get a college degree." That is true, however, many students do not want to make the commitment to pay back thousands of dollars when they aren't even sure if they will get a decent job after college.

Making students pay for their education is ludicrous. Just wait until tuition fees are so high that only the rich can go to school. We are getting closer and closer to that every time tuition goes up. I can't even imagine what the country will be like when only a small percentage of people can afford higher education.

Typically, college graduates do make more that high school graduates so why not give everyone in this country a chance to better themselves? Everyone, as a human being, has the right to education and the right to make their life better. Free public higher education would secure those rights. The price of tuition needs to be drastically lowered or gotten rid of all together to give all Americans the quality higher education that they deserve.

Bratabiphita

The patient, a 21 year-old female, suffers from a disease that I have never seen before. After countless hours of research and studying the patient from age 4-21, I have come to the conclusion that the patient has Bratabiphita, or Spoiled-Rotten Syndrome. She is unapologetic and manipulative. Other symptoms include complete disregard for rules, no evidence remorse for her actions, no regard for law enforcement, trouble sitting still, hyperactivity, and the patient becomes bored easily and lashes out at those who try to calm her down.

The patient was first brought to me by her parents at the age of 3. She was attending pre-school at the time and when told by teachers to follow directions and participate in classroom activities, the patient would do the exact opposite of what she was told. For example, when told to color inside the lines of the dog picture, she colored everything on the paper (including the white border) except the dog.

Since attending college, the patient seems to finally understand the importance of listening to her professors so that she can succeed. However, as the patient has gotten older, she no longer listens to anything her parents say. She has also continually had confrontations with law enforcement officers and often finds herself in trouble with the police for yelling obscenities or for disorderly conduct.

I have tried many things over the years, medication wise. When the patient was 6, I prescribed her Ritalin which was supposed to calm her down. The patient often refused to take the medication because she would say that it hindered her creativity. Adderall was later prescribed but the patient realized she could sell them in her high school and make a nice profit, therefore the prescription needed to be removed. Her parents have tried many other non-medical treatments but have not found a solution. For instance, they have tried to take away numerous privileges that the patient enjoys. But, since the patient is manipulative, she often convinced her friends  or other relatives to give her what she wanted.

There are several triggers I have noticed that set the patient off. When a parent, peer, or doctor tries to tell the patient what to do, she ignores the advice and does the exact opposite. When the patient is forced to do something that she doesn't agree with, she acts out and then shows no remorse.

The cause is still unknown but after speaking with the patients mother numerous times, I have come to the conclusion that the patient acts the way she does because at a very young age she was told that she could do whatever she wanted to and took it literally.

I recommend that this patient be put into a situation where she has nothing and knows nobody. If out into this type of situation, all of the people around her cannot be manipulated. The patient needs to learn that laws are to be obeyed and authority figures need to be listened to and respected before she can succeed as an adult.

Love

Dear Love,

You are with me everyday. If for some reason you're absent, I am not myself. I'm on edge and even a little angry. I become irritated easily if I know you're not in my backpack or my pocket. When a stressful situation arises, you're always there to help me calm down. When I'm sad, I take a walk and I bring you with me so I don't have to be alone. You always know how to cheer me up, even if it's only for five minutes. You give me confidence when I have none. You're always there to break the ice at a party or in a strange situation where I am uncomfortable. You're my own personal mini side-kick and I love you for that.

I have to keep you a secret from some people because they don't accept you like I do. I'll never forget the first time we met. You made me sick. My face was literally green! I don't know why I went back and tried again. Maybe it was because all of my friends carried little boxes like you around and I felt that I had to join in too. In fact, I know that's the reason. I was unsure at first but after a year, I knew you'd be around for a long time.

My favorite times with you are in the car. I drive a lot and you're always there to save me from boredom. All I need is some music and you to keep me sane when I'm taking the long trips to Buddy's and back on the highway.

I've said before that it's time to let you go, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not ready yet. You're just a little white box, packed with 20 friends. You always smell so good when I open you up for the first time. I'd miss that too much if I gave you up now.

Although you will probably be the cause of my death in the future, I still love you and I can't see my current life without you. Thank you for always helping me out when I feel alone or stressed (even though you're killing me). I love you little Marlboro box. In fact, it's time for us to take a walk now.

Love,

Erin

"Bird"

Bird. This is probably the worst word I could have pulled out of the gold mug. I did not need to be reminded of you today. I'll never forget the first time our eyes met across the room of music class.

Everyone always called you Bird. I still don't know why for sure. Maybe it was because when you first moved here, we noticed that you always stayed in Mr. J's class after school to talk to him about the stuffed ones hanging from the ceiling. Or maybe it's because you always said you wanted to fly whenever they would ask us, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I guess I'll never know for sure. But, for whatever reason, you were Bird and probably still are, wherever you are.

I remember you telling me all about your flight from California to Pennsylvania, or your love of the bright blue sky, as we walked to my house, hand in hand, everyday after school. How amazing it was for you to fly. But after we both lost the mind game that Ashley had played with us, we never spoke again. I lost everything and apparently, you gained it. You had the looks, the friends, but then you started to fly on those little blue pills. I guess, at the time, that was better than your dream of actually flying. But me, I lost all of my friends including you, the one who mattered the most. You didn't come down to save me like I had always hoped you would. You just stayed up there, flying, while I was left sad and alone.

I know we were young but I loved you. And I know you loved me too until you let her lies consume you and ruin us. I'm still shocked at how blind you were when I pleaded with you not to leave me like everyone else had. You would have been better. Probably a pilot or just about. But you chose a different way to fly. I tried to help you. Maybe I should have tried harder and I'm sorry for that. I hope you're better now Bird. I hope that addiction has left you alone so that you can live up to the potential I always knew you had.

Aidan

When I volunteered to read my letter that I wrote to my friend's son Aidan in class, I didn't think that I would cry. But alas, I could barely read it aloud. Aidan's story is a sad one, but I thought I would be fine because Aidan is still here and I can see him whenever I want to. The letter does not give much detail on Aidan's condition, as I only referred to it a couple times and since he is only 11, he is still unaware of what is most likely going to happen to him in 10-15 years.

Aidan is an 11 year old with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, or DMD. DMD is a rare disorder that only affects boys. The muscles in Aidan's body do not produce dystrophin, which is a protein that is essential for muscle growth. Since his body does not produce dystrophin at all, Aidan's muscles cannot become stronger. Boys with this condition lose the ability to walk by age 12. Eventually, boys with DMD lose the ability to move any parts of their body and usually pass away in their late teens or early twenties. Heart failure is usually the cause of death.

When I met Aidan in early 2008, he was getting around fairly well. Over the past three years I've watched his body begin to fail him pretty rapidly. He can no longer get up off of the floor without help. He uses his motorized scooter or a rented power chair to get around at school because he tires easily. He has a service dog named Song who opens doors for him and turns lights on or off. If he drops something, she'll pick it up and give it to him. Song also accompanies Aidan to Fleetwood Middle School where he is in 6th grade. Last year, the school raised over $7,000 to get Aidan a hot tub for his home. The hot tub helps his muscles relax and he is able to move more freely in the water. Since getting the hot tub, Aidan's father Tom told me that when he stretches Aidan at night, his legs are less tight and the stretching is going much better.

As I mentioned in my letter, Aidan is like a little brother to me who I love very much. He's smart, sweet, funny, and simply adorable. He always makes me laugh and I hope to be able to spend many more years with him.

To learn more about DMD, you can visit parentprojectmd.org or dariusgoeswest.org

Currently, Aidan's parents, Tom Sandor and Maria McDonnell, are fundraising to find a cure for DMD to save their son's life. They are running the Disney Marathon in January 2012 with Run for Our Sons, something that they do every year.

Here is a YouTube video that Maria made to help spread the word about Aidan's condition and their fundraising efforts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O77miTzrLm8